It’s been said that worrying is praying for something you don’t want, to happen. These are wise words, yet many of us go through life fearing horrible things the future might bring. To us, to our loved ones, to the world.

Worrying what could happen not only ruins our ability to enjoy the present, it can also lead to a chronic case of the “what ifs.”

As in, “what if (insert bad situation) happens?” As in we don’t hear back from our kids immediately after texting them and our minds go to “what if there was an accident?” Or we have an argument with our partner, or boss, and immediately create a negative story in our head. “What if they break up with me?” “What if I get fired?” Or the ubiquitous health concerns. “What if that lump or bump or mole is something serious?”

What if the other shoe drops?

The list of things to fret over is endless. And sometimes the bad things we imagine happening, do happen. But most of the time, they don’t. In fact, according to Psychology Today, about 85 percent of things that people worry about never happen.

Those are pretty good odds, but people still convince themselves that they are due some sort of catastrophe. Things have just been going too well. There is something bad just around the corner.

This mindset is also known as “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” It’s feeling sure that something bad is going to happen, even if there’s no evidence. This can be a common experience for people who have suffered adverse life events, but for many others, it’s anxiety taking over.

While our thoughts can’t prevent or create bad events, sometimes the other shoe does drop. And when the worst has already happened, it’s hard not to worry about it happening again. Marla Deval has felt this way since her husband was first diagnosed with cancer in 2014.

“Just when we thought he was going to hit the five-year mark, the cancer was back,” she says. “Fast forward another five years, and it is back again. Over these years, and even now, just when life starts to settle down, or good things are happening in our lives – like the births of our grandbabies – I begin to worry. When is the bad news coming?”

“In my head, I know that good times don’t cause the other shoe to drop, but it is hard to shake the feeling when that is how it always seems to unfold. I am learning to live with it, to not let it overwhelm me, and to appreciate all the positives in life (thanks to my fabulous therapist), but I think that worry will always be in the back of my mind.”

Writing away the worries

For some, the “what ifs” swirl through their thoughts for years due to a life full of trauma. Jodi Jeffre knows this feeling all too well. Growing up in dysfunctional home with a mentally ill mother, and a father who took his own life, she was constantly on guard with worries about what would come next.

At the urging of her therapist, she published a memoir of her life (Inside the White Picket Fence). The book opens with two full pages of “what ifs” that occupied her thoughts – starting with her concerns as a child, through adulthood, and to worries about her own children. It’s a powerful visual illustrating how worries can spiral and overtake rational thought.

Now happily married, and the mother of three adults, Jodi admits, “It continues to be difficult to stop the “what ifs.” I didn’t get help for my childhood traumatic experiences and generalized anxiety disorder until I was 45 years old. The unhealthy patterns were hardwired in my brain and I spent many hours with a talented therapist who helped me understand the origins of my anxiety.”

“I use cognitive behavioral training (CBT) to keep my thoughts from ruminating and becoming catastrophic. I also keep my mind and body busy with activities, including using other people for support and remembering God is in control. Exercise is also extremely important during these times of worry.”

What’s a worrier to do?

Therapy has helped many people who struggle with anxiety and worry. In Jodi Jeffres’ case, it has been life-changing. “My therapist has helped me in more ways than I can list. In the beginning, it helped immensely to have my feelings and struggles validated. Cognitive behavioral training has helped me keep the catastrophic thoughts and ruminating under control. I am no longer embarrassed by my anxiety and can share my thoughts with others.”

She adds: “It’s not just one thing that decreases anxiety, but rather a lifestyle, including therapy, exercise, medication, sleep, social support, and spiritual fulfillment.”

I find that when worry starts to takes over, it helps to focus on the things I can control, and accept that uncertainty is a part of life. It’s easier said than done – but letting go of fear and anxiety of the unknown makes room to fully enjoy what is happening in the present.

Thank you to Marla Deval and Jodi Jeffre for sharing their personal experiences for this column. In doing so, they hoped to show others dealing with similar struggles, that they are not alone. A portion of the sales of Jodi’s book goes to the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI)

Readers weigh in about how they manage worries, “what ifs” and waiting for the next shoe to drop:

Dori LeVanti: “I used to be a worrywart to the point that whatever I was worried about would sometimes keep me up at night. When that happens now, I now try to put into practice some advice I read that said; “Give your worries up to God.” That strategy has really helped me realize that it’s often pointless to worry and that getting a good night’s sleep can help put things in perspective and perhaps work towards a solution the next day.”

Kim Arnold:  “I don’t like to be in a negative mindset, and I often try to think that something wonderful is going to happen! However, oddly enough, when you are really afraid of a negative outcome, sometimes thinking through the worst-case scenario almost feels like it would mitigate some of the trauma and pain if it happens and was already “thought through.” I don’t think it works, but if I go that route, that’s what I think my subconscious rationale is.”

Kathy Young: “I am a planner, not a worrier. I leave the worrying to my spouse. I will say I strategize for things where I have some modicum of control. My motto : “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.”

Toni Lemmon: “In my past, it seems like once things settle down and it seems like things are going well, something bad happens and we’re back to dealing with it.  So yes, I’m always thinking/worrying about what’s coming next!”

Dan Sparks: “Things will happen whether or not we worry about them, so why waste all of that time and energy in negativity? Most of the time we have no control over that situation. It is not the thing that happens over which we have no control that is important. What is important, which we can control, is how we choose to react to that which has occurred.”