From the moment a child is born, the milestone monitoring begins. The first smile, the age they roll over or sit up or crawl. We track when they start walking and talking and holding a spoon. These metrics are used to ensure a child is developing at the “normal” pace. If not, there are interventions. It’s a good type of monitoring – and necessary.

But the habit of measuring our life in milestones and on rigid timelines continues well into adulthood. And it’s not necessary. The pressure to reach arbitrary goals seems to increase with each year, adding unneeded stress and unhealthy competitiveness.

It’s human nature to compare. It’s also human nature to want to check all those boxes on, or ahead of schedule. That’s why so many people feel disappointment as the years go by and some of those boxes remain unchecked.

To make matters worse, we tend to ask questions that only add to the pressure. “Are you dating anyone?” “Do you have kids/plan to have kids/how many do you have?” Then, if your kids are grown, “Are they married?” “Do you have grandchildren?” All seemingly innocent questions that I admit to having asked others on numerous occasions.

But sometimes, the person being asked is sensitive to the topic. And those questions are met with a polite smile and an apologetic explanation; “not yet, not sure, maybe soon…”  Most of us have been on one side or the other of these awkward conversations. And it’s okay. It’s bound to happen. Then we try to give some words of encouragement and pledge to be more self-aware in the future.

This questioning happens a lot to people who are at the age the milestones are expected to occur. Anyone on Facebook or Instagram knows that elaborate engagement and wedding mini-documentaries often dominate the feeds of Millennials, Gen Zs, and their (rightly) proud parents.

Those not yet in on the fun can be left feeling as if life is passing them by, or that they are somehow “less than.” Which couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re also not a “bad person” for wondering when it will be their turn.

And maybe they are crying a bit inside – because they are unsure if Mr. or Mrs. right will ever come along. Or if they will ever be able to have a baby. Or in later years, they’d love a grandchild or three, but their children don’t want kids.

People of all ages and stages measure success using other people’s yardsticks. There’s no law saying you have to marry, have three kids, and live in a trendy neighborhood by the age of thirty.  Or have grandchildren by age sixty. Yet people often feel that they are falling “behind” in life if they don’t achieve that expected goal.

Yet, many of us can name friends who found their soulmate much later in life. I often share the story of a cousin who had his first child when he and his wife were both 47 – and then they had a second at 50! Maybe the saying, “good things come to those who wait” rings true after all.

The point is, there is no one right way to go through life. There’s no one path with checkpoints we all need to pass. “Real-life” is not like the board-game “LIFE” where you pass “go” and collect babies, homes, and a paycheck while advancing around the board in plastic cars with blue or pink pegs. If only it were that easy.

We know intellectually that each person’s life goes at its own pace. It’s tough though, to see all those ubiquitous posts announcing life’s momentous events and not feel as if you’re missing out. In fact, that’s basically the definition of FOMO (fear of missing out) and it’s one of the nastier downsides of social media.

I’ll bet that most of us can say we’ve experienced both sides of this equation. We’re either scrupulously editing photos for an epic Facebook post or Instagram story, or scrolling and “liking” those posts, while also feeling a bit envious.

There are non-social media examples of this as well. Trying to keep up with those perfect family Christmas cards. Throwing the most fabulous wedding of the season or the cutest, most creative baby shower ever. The list of potential ways to compete with others is endless.

Why do we do this to ourselves – and to others? Isn’t it enough to just live our lives at our own pace, knowing that our life is unfolding as intended? It should be, but again, we are only human.

Thinking that surely, I am not the only person distressed by our society’s obsession with measuring up to others, I asked readers to weigh in on the topic.

One reader shared an account that a lot of people can probably relate to. A parent facing comparisons and questions concerning their children. In his words:

“I thought I had checked all the boxes in my life. Graduated college, got a job, got independent, got married, had kids. Now I’m living it all over again as I face questions from well-meaning friends and relatives.  “Why hasn’t your son graduated college yet? How much longer does he have? Why is your daughter still living at home?”

“As my kids’ cousins get married, they must feel the pressure of still being single with no prospects, since it’s hard for them to meet people. So, rather than enjoying seeing our niece and nephew get married, my wife and I dread it because it puts a spotlight on why our kids aren’t keeping up. It’s terrible. The worst part of having kids has been the pressure of trying to keep up with everyone else’s kids on achieving life’s milestones – and social media only magnifies it.”

On the topic of weddings and other milestone events, another reader laments, “We’ve noticed that everyone has to outdo everyone else these days – bigger wedding activities, birthday parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties, etc. If yours can’t be better than the last, it was a failure. There’s more emphasis on the event than the reason for the event.”

While we’re on the topic of celebrations, I’d like to point out that there’s no reason to limit them to the typical big life events. Because, some people don’t experience them until later in life – if at all.

Why not show our admiration and friendship by acknowledging achievements besides weddings, baby showers, anniversaries or graduations? Career accomplishments, a new home or pet, achieving a fitness goal. The big milestone events are important and provide lifelong memories, but there are many other experiences that can bring us together.

I’m encouraged that in spite of our society’s pressure to “keep up with the Joneses,” there are individuals who happily follow their own path with little concern for what others achieve. They live life fearlessly on their own terms, not measuring themselves against others.

I have friends who are like this. They are among my favorite people. Some are single with impressive careers, or maybe they travel a lot and have amazing stories to tell. Others are incredibly wise and content to live a quiet and peaceful life. Counting their blessings and feeling gratitude for what life has given them.

We’re not put in this world to take the same path, while checking off the same boxes – in unison, as we go through life. It’s well within our power to let go of the pressure we put on ourselves and our families, to stop trying to keep up with, or impress others, and to simply enjoy being human together.

Here’s to traveling our own path, on our own timeline, while ticking off whatever milestones we choose to along the way.